A couple of weeks ago, I bought some new notebooks to use after I finish the one in LA or the one at home. One is blue paisley with gold and blue trim. The other is floral with gold accents. And I would love to use them except the problem is that I can’t bring myself to actually do it. Something inside of me feels like writing in those new notebooks will ruin them. Am I afraid, anxious, nervous or just plain weird? The more the white pages with the gold trims taunt me every day, the more I urge myself to stay away from them.
And it’s not just the notebooks. Sometimes those new white plastic erasers are like an artifact that must not be ruined. I hate using them for the 1st time because it just feels wrong. I may be the only person who feels like using them is a crime. And the weird part is that after the first time erasing something or writing something in a notebook, it doesn’t bother me anymore. It’s really annoying to me , that I can’t just bring myself to do it. And this sensation is only with new notebooks and plastic erasers because I can normally erase stuff with the pink erasers or write in a regular composition book, without feeling like a criminal.
The real reason I can’t “ruin” erasers or notebooks, isn’t known to me, but I hope I find out because maybe there is a way that I can get rid of it. Maybe there will be a day when I can do things without worrying about messing it up. And the more I think about this, the more I catch myself thinking that maybe all of this is part of something bigger. Maybe the notebooks and erasers are like something in my life, such as a new opportunity or way and I’m afraid of them. But maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. To be honest, I have no idea.